The Bald Soprano

Fire CHIEF: Well, then! [He coughs again in a voice shaken by emotion:] “The Dog and the Cow,” an experimental fable. Once upon a time another cow asked another dog: “Why have you not swallowed your trunk?” “Pardon me,” replied the dog, “it is because I thought that I was an elephant.” 

Mrs. MARTIN: What is the moral? 

Fire CHIEF: That's for you to find out. 

Mr. SMITH: He's right. 

Mrs. SMITH [furious]: Tell us another.

Fire CHIEF: A young calf had eaten too much ground glass. As a result, it was obliged to give birth. It brought forth a cow into the world. However, since the calf was male, the cow could not call him Mamma. Nor could she call him Papa, because the calf was too little. The calf was then obliged to get married and the registry office carried out all the details completely a la mode. 

Mr. SMITH: A la mode de Caen. 

Mr. MARTIN: Like tripes. 

Fire CHIEF: You've heard that one? 

Mrs. SMITH: It was in all the papers. 

Mrs. MARTIN: It happened not far from our house. 

Fire CHIEF: I'll tell you another: “The Cock.” Once upon a time, a cock wished to play the dog. But he had no luck because everyone recognized him right away. 

Mrs. SMITH: On the other hand, the dog that wished to play the cock was never recognized.Mr. Smith: I'll tell you one: “The Snake and the Fox.” Once upon a time, a snake came up to a fox and said: “It seems to me that I know you!” The fox replied to him: “Me too.” “Then,” said the snake, “give me some money.” “A fox doesn’t give money,” replied the tricky animal, who, in order to escape, jumped down into a deep ravine full of strawberries and chicken honey.But the snake was there waiting for him with a Mephistophelean laugh. The fox pulled out his knife, shouting: “I'm going to teach you how to live!” Then he took to flight, turning his back. But he had no luck. The snake was quicker. With a well-chosen blow of his fist, he struck the fox in the middle of his forehead, which broke into a thousand pieces, while he cried: “No! No! Four times no! I'm not your daughter.”

Mrs. MARTIN: It’s interesting. 

Mrs. SMITH: It’s not bad. 

Mr. MARTIN [shaking Mr. Smith's hand): My congratulations. 

Fire CHIEF [jealous]: Not so good. And anyway, I've heard it before. 

Mr. SMITH: It’s terrible. 

Mrs. SMITH: But it wasn’t even true. 

Mrs. MARTIN: Yes, unfortunately. 

Mr. MARTIN [to Mrs. Smith]: It's your turn, dear lady. 

Mrs. SMITH: I only know one. I'm going to tell it to you. It’s called “The Bouquet.”

Mr. SMITH: My wife has always been romantic. 

Mr. MARTIN: She’s a true Englishwoman. 

Mrs. SMITH: Here it is: Once upon a time, a fiancé gave a bouquet of flowers to his fiancée, who said, “Thanks”; but before she had said, “Thanks,” he, without saying a single word, took back the flowers he had given her in order to teach her a good lesson, and he said, “I take them back.” He said, “Goodbye,” and took them back and went off in all directions.

Mr. MARTIN: Oh, charming! [He either kisses or does not kiss Mrs. Smith.] 

Mrs. MARTIN: You have a wife, Mr. Smith, of whom all the world is jealous. 

Mr. SMITH: It’s true. My wife is intelligence personified. She’s even more intelligent than I. In any case, she is much more feminine, everyone says so.

Eugène Ionesco

1909 - 1994